Love Languages

A Love Language Thought

2012

Playing Board Games together

For the under fours - Compound Interest

Leaders lead with love

Developing respectful, self-controlled, kind behaviour Grade R, 1 and 2

We're a team

Moving wallpaper

Using Money to Teach self control

Helping distractible children

The Love Invitation

Learning from Example

Dealing with sarcasm and cutting words

Being Prepared

Communicating Loud and Clear

Self Control

The simple things in life

Following through

Parties

First things First again!

Fostering sibiling affection

These acts of service you should NOT be doing...!

First Things first

2010

2010

Gift Giving
With Mum and Dad

Choices - All ages
The Floor Monster

Grocery shopping

“The results of permissive parenting’ and “Developing resilience” – for all ages.

For the under sixes

“The tidy fairy – for all ages.”

Car Time

Inside outside!

Mommy's happiness

How to teach a young child to sit at a table

Yes and No!

LOVING DISCIPLINE for boys

2009
Two simple principles for making one's own life MUCH easier:

Teaching patience

Begin as you wish to continue

Redirecting

Childish innocence or blatant disobedience

Constructive activity and avoiding bad behaviour

Respecting authority

Bedtime stories

Baking together

Celebrating a milestone birthday

Choosing gifts according to love languages

A LOVE LANGUAGE THOUGHT
Playing Board Games together

Quality Time comes with two dialects that you can “speak” to another person – quality time speaking and quality time activity. Before switching on the “ON BUTTON” for a screen activity, why not play a family board game together? Even from 3yrs, young children can participate in age-appropriate games. Nikki Bush is a toy expert and  you will find lots of ideas on her website www.brightideasoutfit.com . You can also attend one of her talks on toy and gift selection.

Games are wonderful in that they promote a wealth of skills without the child even being aware of it:

·         Taking turns
·         Learning to lose gracefully
·         Learning to win kindly and not boastfully
·         Never to mock or ridicule another person as they play
·         Working with numbers and a dice, and counting one-to-one correspondence
·         Patience
·         Social skills of interaction and conversation as you play
·         How to have a sense of humour – how to laugh even at yourself!

These are some of the games we have enjoyed as a family:

·         Who is it? From 3 onwards, you can play co-operative versions or simplified versions.
·         Nikki Bush’s Barney Collect-a-Shape game for cementing in those shapes and colours in a fun way.
·         Zingo – from about 4 onwards a child will need a relaxed atmosphere to be able to get up to speed. Good for pre-reading and memory skills
·         Slides/snakes and ladders – gosh you need patience here! We don’t let our children abdicate and duck out of the game!
·         From 6 or so Battleships is fun and requires a lot of patience and strategizing.
·         We introduced chess at about 6/7 years but it requires consistent practise to master the concepts.
·         Beetle drive – where you take turns to roll a dice to draw a beetle (6 = body, 5 = head, 4 = tail, 3 = eyes, 2 = feelers, 1 = legs). Can take ages and requires patience and humour.
·         Dominoes is always good for matching and discrimination skills from a very young age.
·         Pick-up sticks requires patience and eye-hand co-ordination.
·         Snap is great for developing quick recognition skills
·         We recently discovered the Junior Pictionary. Beth at 5 years surprised us with her ability to draw quite well! Brilliant for visual memory skills and fine motor co-ordination.
·         Spill and spell or Scrabble require some spelling abilities, but that does not stop a child playing with an adult. They learn a lot just observing.
·         We have tried Mastermind with Jason at 7 years but find we need to play in teams to work it out – the logic required is a little advanced for him.

There is a lot more and brilliant new games are invented all the time. Find games that help your family to spend quality love time together!

A LOVE LANGUAGE THOUGHT
We’re a team!

During the holidays, I sat my children down and we discussed how we as a family are a TEAM. Mom is not the slave of the home, and in a family everyone loves each other by HELPING out with what has to be done. Even if there is a full time domestic worker, families still need to express love through DOING things for each other and helping with chores. Working together in a team is a loving thing to do!

ACTS OF SERVICE is a form of LOVE, and our job through the primary school years is to constantly extend our children’s ability to be skilled at expressing this kind of love. Yes they will complain, but we need to stand firm, not back down and persist. Consequences may even need to be applied for children who refuse to help.

Some ideas for involving preschool and primary school children in the home. Not an exhaustive list but some age-appropriate ideas!

Involving children may be tedious at the time, but the rewards will be long-lasting and their experience of family love strengthened.

Back to top

A LOVE LANGUAGE THOUGHT – for parents of the under threes
Moving wallpaper

Neil Postman wrote a most fascinating book published in 1985 called “Amusing ourselves to death” about the effect of Television on the American culture. He gives excellent insights into the effect of television on thinking skills, reading and research skills and general values and ideas. He also explores the hidden messages that television conveys such as the trivialisation of serious information, and the agendas promoted by the entertainment industry.

Twenty five years later in today’s society, we no longer even ask questions about television and its effects, but in fact may even conclude incorrectly that television is a modern and good stimulation for small children!!

If your television set is on all the time in your lounge and you have small children, take a moment to observe their behaviour around the TV. Do you notice that whatever they are doing is constantly interrupted when they glance up at a movement that catches their eye on the screen? They are never allowed an uninterrupted time to focus and concentrate on the activity at hand, but keep moving and looking up to see what is next on the screen. This constant interruption will hamper their ability to focus and concentrate on activities, a skill needed for formal learning at school. Even worse, they may not even actually engage with a constructive activity, but may wander aimlessly around the room for hours and hours really doing nothing fulfilling at all.

If your television set is on all the time in the lounge, ask yourself what activities YOU are avoiding doing as a result! It’s much easier to sit and be distracted by the screen than to actually sit down at a table with a two year old and build puzzles while having an intelligent conversation. You are also probably not talking in full sentences to your child and you are probably not speaking about anything interesting or constructive. Children around the age or 2 – 3 years ONLY learn to speak during DIRECT interactions with them where there is NO BACKGROUND NOISE, and where you are able to look directly in their eyes and speak to them one-on-one.

Also take stock also on what your child is not doing because the TV is “babysitting” her as she flits around the room. Here is a checklist of activities that small children can and should be doing on a regular basis IN THE HOME and WITH THEIR PARENTS to ensure adequate stimulation and preparation for school, even if they go to crèche:

·   Reading books with a parent

.   Playing constructively with a parent with a toy or set of toys on the floor such as cars or blocks (not a mish-mash of unrelated bits and pieces)

·   Playing outside every day in the garden eg with a ball or on a jungle gym or in a sandpit or with water, with a parent present

·  Going out to the shops, a pet shop, the library or post office – one outing every day or two from as early as two months

·   Helping with chores around the home from when they can walk (1 year)

·   Playing alone for one period of time each day to help develop independence

·   Playing at a table with a parent every day to develop sitting and focussing skills, thinking skills and fine motor skills

The beauty of each activity listed above is that it accomplishes a few things:

1.   It fills up your child’s QUALITY TIME love tank which leads to contentment and a greater ability to concentrate and be independent

2.   It teaches your child HOW to play constructively which leads to greater maturity and independence in their own play

3.   It teaches your child to SPEAK and to THINK.

If you want to make use of television for the under threes, remember that it should be limited to ONE per day – one programme or one story – and should be an interactive activity where you sit together and talk about what you are seeing. Further than that, the best course of action to promote love and learning is the big SWITCH OFF! Keep the screen off for the most part of the day and you will switch your children ON!!

Back to top

A LOVE LANGUAGE THOUGHT
Priceless Gift

We often think of gifts in terms of items on which we have to outlay money. However there is one gift worth more than what money can buy and which is guaranteed to fill up the love tank of any child - the gift of yourself. Being present at games, matches, speeches, eisteddfods, plays and awards ceremonies are good examples of this special gift, especially when a child is expecting you to be there. Being present at supper time and re-scheduling certain work is a dad-gift that mom can’t compensate for! And just being present in your family – choosing not to outsource everything - is a gift that says “you are very important to me and I like to spend time with you”.

Back to top

A LOVE LANGUAGE THOUGHT
The Love Invitation

In a few of my talks I refer to the Harvard University Preschool Study conducted in the 1980s where the researchers followed the children in the study for 10 years “hoping to discover how experiences in the early years of life contribute to the development of a healthy, intelligent human being.”  One of the conclusions was :

“The best parents in the study were those who excelled at three key functions” – one of which is:

·         “They permitted their children to interrupt them for brief 30 second episodes, during which personal consultation, comfort, information and enthusiasm were exchanged.”

Children benefit from loving access to their parents. While learning to be polite and wait while an adult finishes speaking, it is also important that they feel able to approach their parents and find interest and personal attention when they need it, especially in the early years. The results of this study are quoted in James Dobson’s book “The New Strong-Willed Child”, Tyndale House Publishers, 2004 pages 95 – 96.

According to Ross Campbell in his book “How to really Love your child”, Life Journey Publications, 2003, Chapter 4, he says that “eye contact is one of the main sources of a child’s emotional nurturing” and should be used positively and not just to “give instructions or for reprimanding and criticising” as this will convey conditional love rather than unconditional love. Love invitations by available parents create a sense of security, closeness, acceptance and unconditional love.

Back to top

A LOVE LANGUAGE THOUGHT
Dealing with sarcasm and cutting words - children and teenagers

Based on principles in the book “The Five Love Languages of Children” by Gary Chapman and D. Ross Campbell

One of the ways in which words children (and adults) indicate a lack of words in their love tank can be the use of sarcasm and cutting comments. Although I address these different requests in the Love Languages  talk, dealing with sarcasm and cutting words is a little more challenging, requiring a lot more thought and intentionality, and is therefore worth a more in-depth look.

 The temptation, when on the receiving end of sarcasm or cutting words, is to be sarcastic or cutting back. This really achieves nothing and has no effect on filling up the love tank of the child or adult concerned. The better response is to speak truthful, loving words on the topic under discussion

 An example of this would be the child who says: Well, you are not my friend any more”, to which it is very easy to respond “Then lets just see how you do my darling without ME as your friend!!” Expanded into a teenage world, this could lead to a very nasty back-and-forth exchange that can be both destructive and very hurtful to both parties involved.

 A better response is to speak truthful loving words, something like “Well you know, I am your mom and I love you very much, and in fact unlike any friends, I will always be there for you. My love for you doesn’t change – I will keep on loving you even if you say I can’t be your friend.” Or if a child says “Then you can’t come to my party”, you may be tempted to say sarcastically “Let’s see how YOU do having a party without ME” when we should be saying “I love coming to your parties and arranging them for you because I love you very much and you are very special to me and I wouldn’t miss your party for anything in the world.”  

 Running a teenage youth group on Friday evenings has been an interesting experience as I have got into the world of teenagers! A teen in a bad mood who refuses to greet you could push you to explode in anger, or you can use your words to say “When you don’t greet me I feel ignored, I would appreciate it if you greeted me because I love you and I enjoy chatting to you” regardless of the response at the time. Barbed comments can be turned into opportunities to express love; “Oh well I’ve got nothing to say because no-one is ever interested in my opinion” can be given “I am always interested in your opinion and would like to hear what you have to say on the topic” in return.

 Gary Chapman, in his Book “The Five Love Languages of Teenagers”, has a chapter on “The Importance of Parental Love”. He talks about a teen’s desire for connection with their parents, a desire for acceptance from their parents and a desire for nurture from their parents. Words teens can become destructive in their use of words if they are feeling unconnected, rejected and not nurtured. Tempting as it is to always retort with equally clever and destructive words, the wise approach is to take a moment to think of a truthful, loving expression despite the negative comment thrown at you. Chapman says “Your teenager needs to hear that you accept him even when you don’t approve of his behaviour”.

 Sincere, consistent loving words will win through as they fill up the love tank. Genuine recognition, interest and affirmation for specific things will contribute to a teen’s sense of feeling loved even if outwardly they show something different – after all, when you are a teenager, the last things you want to admit is that someone else is right! Have a look at Chapman’s chapter on using words of love with teenagers if you feel the need for some ideas. Chapman says “Even if your teen’s primary love language is not words of affirmation, she will appreciate your affirming statements.” He concludes “When teens are secure in the love of their parents, they will have confidence to face negative influences in our culture that would keep them from becoming mature, productive adults.”

Back to top

A LOVE LANGUAGE THOUGHT
Communicating Loud and Clear

Words of affirmation is a love language that involves speaking loving words to another person. However communicating verbally to someone is not merely a matter of the actual WORDS spoken – there is so much more to communicating than that!  Consider these factors that work together to form communication:

• Words
• Information/data contained within the words
• Facial expression
• Eye contact
• Body language/posture
• Gestures
• Emotion conveyed
• Tone and intonation of voice
• Volume of the spoken words

The wonder of face-to-face loving interactions with our children and loved ones is this – we can use more than just WORDS to love them – our eye contact can convey acceptance and interest, our tone of voice can convey tenderness, softness and empathy, our volume can convey intimacy and closeness, our body language can convey interest, our facial expressions and gestures can convey our interested responses, and our emotion can convey our connection to them. Putting screens away and giving face-to-face time to our loved ones will do wonders for their love tanks!

Back to top

A LOVE LANGUAGE THOUGHT
The simple things in life

Based on principles in the book “The Five Love Languages of Children” by Gary Chapman and D. Ross Campbell

I recently presented a talk away from Jhb and stayed over at a guesthouse which was on a dirt road. When I returned home, I roped the children in to help me wash the car. We had a lot of fun, but the comments afterwards were delightful. My daughter (4 years) announced that she had “worked herself into her blood” – I assume being an extension of working yourself to the bone! My son (7 years) commented that his hands were going to fall off!! I realised while we did the job that it requires quite a bit of skill to wash without leaving streaks and half-washed dirt marks. While we don’t do the job often, I have made a mental note to repeat the activity. Precious memories are made doing even the simplest of things together… and acts of service and quality time are love, even when you are just washing the car!

Back to top

A LOVE LANGUAGE THOUGHT
Parties

Based on principles in the book “The Five Love Languages of Children” by Gary Chapman and D. Ross Campbell

• It is useful to remember that children will seldom appreciate all the time, thought, work and effort and money that went into preparing a party if they are not part of the preparations or if the love is not explained to them. Work done in secret and late at night is not seen or understood and needs some explanation. And of course there are many things even small children can do to help!

• Parties at home, especially for smaller children, lend themselves to involving even the smallest child in the preparations. My children have both enjoyed folding party boxes and packing food goodies into them, as well as making decorations and getting the venue ready on the day.

• Involving children forces you to avoid perfection-addiction! ACTS OF SERVICE LOVE is about what went INTO the event, not how perfect the setting looks. Not everything has to be perfectly colour co-ordinated and perfectly executed, but should be more an expression of family and love and involvement together!

• To avoid developing the disease called “ENTITLEMENT” and a dental disease called “TOOTH DECAY”, parents can look to meaningful yet small gifts if they want to give a party favour instead of the popular party pack filled with sweets. Something used in the theme of the party (we’ve seen a cowboy hat, as fishing net, a water pistol, a fluffy kitty tail, a plastic creature, a glow stick) – these are constructive and more long-lasting. However, make sure these gifts are small. Children have been known to view parties according to what they will GET at the party as a gift, not in terms of GIVING to the birthday child!

• Parties are a great way to teach our children the love language of GIFT GIVING- how to GIVE gifts to birthday children, and how to graciously accept gifts from others. Opening the gifts at the party in front of the guests is a good way to teach appreciation and gratitude – the gift is then about the PERSON who gave it in love, and not about the LOOT I can accumulate afterwards!
  Happy Partying

Back to top

A LOVE LANGUAGE THOUGHT
Fostering sibiling affection

Based on principles from "The Five Love Languages of Children" by Gary Chapman and Ross Campbell
 Having a second child can be quite traumatic for parents when they see how their first child seems to undergo a radical personality change with the arrival of baby! Older siblings who are used to having exclusive mom and dad time quite often resent the new baby and may even become nasty and hurtful. So how do you turn this around and foster love and affection between siblings?
 Firstly, a parent's best ally is loving words of affirmation. Not DESERVED words, but unasked-for, unconditional, freely-given words of love. Here are some practical examples for younger children:

One does not have to start saying "no" to every love request by the older child! Take the baby with and watch big brother riding his bike, climbing the jungle gym, splashing in the paddling pool or playing at a table. All these activities are very stimulating for even a small baby who feels included and part of the family activities. Make good use of nap times to fill up the older child's love tank, and if you have chores to do, include the older child in as much as you can. (It would not be a wise use of time to put the older one in front of a DVD while the baby sleeps so you can do washing! Include the older one in helping with the washing, thereby making a love opportunity of words, quality time and acts of service done together).
 To counteract an older child's suspicion that the baby has replaced them, one has to wisely and clearly give words of reassurance, love, acceptance and invitation, as well as many offers of quality time love. Over time, this will settle the older sibling and can lead to a close and loving relationship between the two as they grow! Although the time investment may feel time-consuming initially, the pay-off later in contented children is worth every minute!!

Back to top

A LOVE LANGUAGE THOUGHT
These acts of service you should NOT be doing....!

Wonderful as it is to use acts of service love for our families, there are certain acts of service things that parents should NOT do once their children reach a certain age. See how you are doing on these!

Give the Tidy Fairy a break! It is in our children's best interests to hand these acts of service over as quickly and permanently as possible. 

Back to top

A LOVE LANGUAGE THOUGHT
First Things first

When presenting Love Languages talks, I am frequently faced with the dilemma that I cannot cover all aspects of the topic fairly and in correct proportion, especially in the shorter talks. One of the principles I seldom have time to cover is what Gary Ezzo (Childwise book) refers to as "First things First" - the need to make sure your children see that Dad and Mom love each other! Although children take up a huge amount of time and often urgent involvement, their importance should never take precedence over the importance of the loving relationship between Dad and Mom. In fact, in an interesting way, children actually feel loved and secure when they know and experience that Dad and Mom love each other. But then, scheduling only Dad and Mom time to the exclusion of the children would be a great detriment on the other side! Children need to feel welcomed, loved and included while knowing that their parents place a great importance on loving each other. Love Languages works - both in your marriage and with your children! 

Back to top

A LOVE LANGUAGE THOUGHT
Gift GIVING

Reference: "The Five Love Languages of Children" by Gary Chapman and Ross Campbell 

As we get to the end of the year, I am reminded yet again of how important it is that we teach our children the art of GIVING gifts to others, and not just sitting around expecting everyone to give THEM gifts! In a child-centred and permissive society, it seems that our children get gifts and sweets everywhere they go - every restaurant, every lesson, every doctor's appointment, even Sunday School - more gifts and sweets in a month than most children in the world get in their lifetimes! This Christmas time, let us teach our children the art of giving, the art of gratitude, the art of restraint when opening their gifts and the art of appreciation for what they have.

Back to top

A LOVE LANGUAGE THOUGHT
With Mum and Dad

Reference: "The Five Love Languages of Children" by Gary Chapman and Ross Campbell 

Back to top

A LOVE LANGUAGE THOUGHT
Grocery Shopping

Reference: "The Five Love Languages of Children" by Gary Chapman and Ross Campbell

Grocery shopping
When I mention grocery shopping to parents at Discipline workshops, I usually get horrified gasps and much shaking of heads - "No I can't take my child to the shops with me, he is a terror! I rather leave him at home with the helper while I go and do the shopping!" Yet shopping is worth a second look in terms of the huge love value and educational value, both of which should not be underestimated. And in fact the child who NEEDS to go grocery shopping the most in that very one who is a "terror" in the shops - who else will teach him the skill of how to behave in a shop if not you?
Firstly let’s take a reality check - not every mom can take her children with her on every major grocery trip, and it is not necessary. However, they need regular planned opportunities to participate in the grocery shopping. It is important to bear in mind that the best age for maximum involvement is YOUNGER not older - don't wait until they are six before teaching shopping. The optimum learning time is from when they are babies and toddlers on through preschool.

Love value
Shopping together has great potential for love! Chatting in the car on the way, discussing what is to be bought and just doing the activity together all convey one strong message:" I like having you with me and I like doing things with you and I am prepared to include you even though it may take a bit longer". Shopping is both quality time and acts of service as you love the family together while buying what is needed.

Educational value
The skills that can be developed incidentally during shopping are numerous. Yet one can choose to minimise these opportunities by rushing quickly through the shop, or maximise the opportunities by planning and taking a little more time.
1. Babies: Do shorter trips not when they are hungry but when they have been fed and are now in "wake time". Talk to them as you go. The lights, colours, noises and people will be very stimulating.
2. Smaller toddlers: Keep them in the trolley seat and give them things to do. Don't fall into the trap of bribing them with food on every trip - feed them their snack in the car on the way to the shop. Rather let them look at things like the colourful kiddies’ vitamin bottle, the new toothbrushes or the toothpaste box. Keep the trip shortish and chat as you go. Let them take non-breakable items from you and pop them in the trolley. Talk about what you are buying as you go - they will be learning vocabulary and general knowledge.
3. Older toddlers: Let them walk with you for short periods and give them jobs to do - "Would you like to put the softener in the basket trolley". Manageable jobs would be to get something off the shelf and put it in the trolley or to take it from you and put it in the trolley. Talk as you go and do things like colours and counting "Mommy needs two soaps - one, two". They are learning about not touching things on the shelves and about following mom and staying together.
4. Preschoolers can push their own basket trolley - younger children can manage one basket at the bottom so that they can still see where they are going (3 - 4 years) while from 5 - 6 years they should manage two baskets.This is a difficult skill and takes some patience in teaching them not to bump people in front of them. I guide my children quite clearly about where to park and how to look out for other people. This develops consideration and an awareness of the needs of others.
5. Preschoolers love it when you draw little lists for them to stick on the trolley with prestick. They get to put those things in their basket and many extras - "Would you also like to get one cheese each and put it in your trolley". Mine like me to tick off their lists as we go (5 items on their lists) - I wonder where they get that from!!
6. Preschoolers can be asked to sort their items at the till - "Bring me all your cold things" or "Bring me all your cleaning things". Excellent for that VITAL skill of sorting. Also something to do as you go through the till where all those chocolates are! Buy one chocolate though, and open it in the car as you tell them what excellent shoppers they are! This little reward (not known up front) will be a great boost for their confidence.
7. Other lessons learnt are:

8. Packing the boot is something older children need to learn how to do - politely decline the help offered and do the job together.
9. Unpacking at home is a vital part of the experience. This act of service says that we work together, even though we are tired, to complete the job. If we all help it will go more quickly.
10. Small tasks can be delegated to small children - unpack the apples into the fruit bowl, take the wash powder to the laundry, take the tissues to your room, put the vegetables in the vegetable rack. Following instructions is a very tedious skill to teach children and has to be REPEATED thousands of times for them to really get it! Use every opportunity!

As you go through this experience, give many words of affirmation for participation, success, good skill, helpfulness, perseverance and hard work. Overcome patheti-chitis by talking - "Yes I know your legs are sore but you will be just fine. We are going to finish and them you can rest in the car. No you cannot lie down on the floor of the shop - someone may trip over you. No I am not going to pick you up - you will be just fine to walk. Just think - at school you run around for ages and don't get tired - I think you will manage".
Happy shopping!

Back to top

A LOVE LANGUAGE THOUGHT
For the under sixes

Reference: "The Five Love Languages of Children" by Gary Chapman and Ross Campbell and "On Becoming Childwise" by Gary Ezzo and Robert Bucknam

Loving words are an integral part of our discipline training of young children, and a lovely idea to remember is a "pre-activity encouragement", especially on an issue where you seem to have got stuck in fighting mode!! Before moving to the activity where you are experiencing difficulty, take a little time to describe not only the type of behaviour you are expecting to see, but a description of the attitude with which you expect it to be done as well as a word of confidence. Children who hear words of confidence and trust in their ability tend to rise to the occassion.
Here are a few examples that I have recently come across where words of love can be used to good effect with under fours:

• Getting into the car seat: While explaining to the child that you are going out, take the opportunity to explain something like "Now because mommy loves you very much, you will have to sit in your car seat just like we do every day, and I know you are going to get in with a happy face. Let's see how quickly and happily you can climb in all on your own, because you are such a big girl". Work at this every time you head towards that car seat, implementing a firm but calm consequence when they don't comply, but giving lots of loving words when they do: "Wow look at you, such a big girl, look how nicely you got into your car seat today, thank you!" - even if you had to wedge them in! Over time the reward of loving words should outweigh the unpleasantness of the calm but firm consequence leading to compliance and getting into the seat independently.

• Staying at the table for meals: "In five minutes it is going to be supper, and we are all going to sit nicely at the table because in our family we love each other very much. Let me see how quickly you can sit on your chair/in your high chair, and I just know you are going to stay sitting right until the end when everyone is finished. We don't want anyone to feel sad because they are sitting all on their own while everyone else has left the table." Provide activities for the under twos to do once they have finished eating such as board books and peg puzzles. Give lots of loving words for the time spent sitting at the table, but implement a calm yet firm consequence for any attempts to leave the chair or table.

• Refusing to enagage in a particular activity eg a child who won't climb a jungle gym, ride a push motorbike, kick a ball or engage in vital gross motor activities like throwing, catching, kicking, running, jumping or balancing. It is very important to confront small children with activities they are flatly avoiding so as to help them grow through their avoidance and mature in that area. Love is a vital and core ingredient here. In conjunction with a star chart (which is really a visual representation of words of affirmation), the parent can say something like: " Because I love you very much, I have decided that I am going to help you to learn how to ride your bike. I know you don't like to ride, but mommy's job is to help you to learn because I know that you are already such a big girl, and you are going to like it very much. And I want you to be happy at school when all the other children are riding their bikes too. So every day we are going to ride your bike just a little bit, and when you have ridden just a little bit, you will get sticker on your chart".

• The same concept would work for learning to use scissors, learning to use glue, learning to tie laces, learning to sit at a table or any number of areas where a child may need an extra boost.

• Refusing to get dressed in the morning State clearly "We are going to get dressed now and I know that because you are three, you can do it on your own. What colours are you going to choose to wear today? Can I help you put the clothes out straight - now let's see how nicely you can take off your pajamas. Well done!" And so you can walk them trhough step by step, implementing a consequence (counting is good here) for getting stuck on a step. Give lots of affirmation as you go - one has to stay in the room and give support during the learning phase.

• Doing homework: My son in Grade R gets a batch of homework once a week which we work on a little bit every day. In our family it seems to work well to sit with him doing 10 minutes of homework while his sister baths, and when he baths, she (Grade 000) comes and does "homework" too, where my focus has been to reinforce areas where I feel she needs extra practise. We sit next to each other in my study - I stay with them for the duration of the homework - but I may do some minor admin once they are busy with something. My goals have been to make homework a pleasant and rewarding experience for my son, as I know, as a teacher, how vital it is for boys to start off positively. For both of them I want to see focussed concentration but yet also independent work, so although I sit and give lots of praise as they go, I expect quite a lot of independence, especially for my son. One has to preface homework with comments like: "Come let's see what your homework is - I know you are going to do such a good job this week" or "You are such a good homework person" or "Jason has been doing so well in his homework daddy, look how nicely he is doing" - a comment worth giving even for imperfect work. Giving love and verbal praise for PROCESS is vital if you want to avoid DRIVEN PERFECTIONISM where children only feel they are acceptable for a final, perfect, finished product. Constantly correcting young children or expressing disapproval for their own work just leads to a reluctance to try. However, they seem to relax and actually do better when surrounded by love and relaxed kindness, especially in the preschool and foundation phases where a lot of their base confidence in school activities is developed.

Back to top

A love language thought
Car Time

Finding space to fit in quality time love for quality time children is really challenging in a busy world. But the benefit is worth every ounce of effort you put in to making time available. Quality time children are draining, irritating and exhausting when they follow you around demanding and pleading for more time, and the time then given is worth only HALF the value just because they had to ask for it. Time offered is of a much higher value, and a quality time child with a full love tank will show wonderful signs of independent play and contentment.
A great place to do some quality time talking is in the car. After a Saturday morning workshop recently, I took my two children off to granny and grampa in Pretoria for a visit, and we spent the car time chatting about all sorts of interesting things .....all the way there and all the way back! It was very effective in filling up both love tanks, and I noted yet again the contentment and independent activity that results.
Car time in the morning on the way to school and later on the way home again is great for conversations. Cell phone calls and listening to the radio can be left for other times, as the conversation time is too precious to waste! In our family we chat about what is coming up at school that day (a brilliant way to teach organisational skills and planning ahead) as well as general knowledge topics based on school themes and what we see around us (great for teaching observational skills and social interpretation). In the afternoon we chat about what happened after the day (an excellent time to process what happened). General driving is great for all sots of chats connected to what you see as you drive. Older children and teens will be more interested in discussing ideas and thoughts. Children gain a great sense of security from these simple activities as they understand through experience that they are special and important enough to mom or dad for them to enjoy conversation time with them.

Back to top

A love language thought
Loving Touch
Touch children are easy to spot as they can usually be found somewhere ON TOP OF their parents! And they respond so well to lots of different kinds of touch throughout the day. My 3 year old daughter is a touch child, and an easy way to spot a space in her love tank is when she simply says "cuddle mommy".
Not being primarily a touch person myself, I have had to teach myself different ways of giving Beth (and Jason) sufficient touch. Here are some fun ideas:

• For a toddler and preschooler, when you put them in a plastic swing in the garden or garage, don't just push them by pushing on the swing. Use the opportunity to push them by pushing on various parts of their body. I used to sing an inane little song as I worked my way from the toes up, pushing (with a tickle or a squeeze) each time on the body part mentioned! "These are your toes toes toes, these are your feet feet feet, these are you legs legs legs" and so on. Include ears, neck, belly button, nose, chin and so on .... yes you can push gently on them! Fabulous way of reinforcing body parts, personal spacial organisation and body awareness and of course fabulous for LOVE!

• I had forgotten about zibbits until recently when I lay on Beth's bed and cuddled her and zibbited her tummy and back before bedtime. She just loved it!

• One evening with daddy out at a meeting, I invited my two to have a "group cuddle" on the bed before sleeptime. Jason, not being a touch child, skirted in and out of the cuddle squealing with delight as he got captured now and then, and Beth of course stayed close and gained maximum cuddle benefit - also squealing all the time!

• Just holding hands with a touch child as you walk or even sit together, fills up their love tank.

• Extended touch rather than quick touch is good for touch children.

• This evening while helping Beth take off her long-sleeved top before bath time, I played a game whereby every time I "tried" to take the top off, it accidentally turned into a cuddle!

• Sitting close together while reading books every day is a great time for touch children to experience loving closeness.

Back to top

A love language thought
Holidays again!

One of the difficulties parents face is "WHAT TO DO IN THE HOLIDAYS!" Holidays are an excellent opportunity to pour in lots of love where you would otherwise be limited by work, school and other activites. This is where family memories are made, forming some of the deep roots that constitute security for children. There are also great opportunities for discipline training as you do activities with your children. So what to do?

• For playgroup-age children, a wonderful and easy trick is just to repeat some of the activities that the child enjoyed during the term. Playgroup and preschool teachers have a wealth of clever ideas, and children will enjoy repeating an activity JUST because it is done with you!

• For older children, get to know your children better by promoting or investigating something they are interested in. My son loves building, so a visit to the Sci-Bono science museum in town was wonderful, as there is a Murray and Roberts building site available for children to "build" on with life-size bricks and conveyor belts and wheelbarrows! For a mere R20 per person, we spent an entire morning exploring the whole building.

• For older children, museums are great. This week we are going to visit Fort Klapperkop in Pretoria (012 313 7694).

• For all children, involvement in the activities of the home is INVALUABLE and should never be underestimated in its educational value. Every household and garden activitiy is jam-packed with value transmission, character development, the development of desirable qualities, physical skills and LOVE LOVE LOVE! And the play opportunities for the under sixes are never ending:

• Stringing up a rope across your garage or down the passage is great for preschoolers to try out their washing-hanging abilities with still-to-be-washed washing. Good for a rainy day.

• Watering the vegetables by sucking up water in the wazooka and squirting from a distance is lots of fun.

• Raking up leaves, jumping in them, tossing them in the air and then raking them again for the compost heap.

• Picking the last flowers of summer for a vase arrangement or two.

• And lastly, whatever YOU enjoy is also good to share with your child. Our own interests, hobbies, sport or responsibilities help our children get to know us and what is important to us. I go into Alex twice a month to visit a creche and do activities with the children- my children are involved in selecting and preparing the educational activities and apparatus to pack in the boxes.

Back to top

A love language thought
In the garden

In September 2009 I wrote about vegetable gardening as an opportunity to express different kinds of love - acts of service together working in the garden, words and quality time as well as teaching children to give, to be responsible and even to eat fresh veg! I thought I would update you on the status of our vege patch, as it has been an interesting season.
One of the first things we planted was about a dozen beans which we had sprouted on the windowsill. However, just as the plants matured, we were hit by a heavy hail storm, which decimated our poor bean plants. Needless to say, we nurtured them back to life, only to have a second hail storm later in the season. We eventually had to pull them out and start again! I was struck by the value of this process in teaching my children qualities such as not giving up, starting over and having hope!
Our gem squashes turned into a forest of plants, and Farmer Jason and Farmer Beth enjoyed spotting gems under the prickly leaves and counting our crop every day!
Some other valuable lessons we learnt just this week were:
Beth is not an acts of service child, and she is learning that everyone in our family pulls together and helps, even if they don't feel like it. As long as she helps in some way, she is contributing to the task whether it be watering newly sprouted plants or picking beans.
Jason learnt this week that swishing the water haphazardly all over the wall, grass and paving is not really going to help the little plants, and before he was allowed to go and play, he had to do the exercise three times before he showed the self-control required to properly water the baby plants.
Lots to learn in the garden!
So what to plant right now?
Why not try your hand at cauliflower, broccoli, peas, onions or carrots, as they all like to grow in the cooler months. If you are nervous of growing seed, buy seed trays of little plants ready for planting in well composted soil. The only seeds that don't like fresh compost and have to be seeded straight into position are carrots - let the composted ground wait about two weeks before sowing.

Back to top

A Love language thought
Chatting
One of the things I remember as a child is walking home from school and chatting to my mom about the day over lunch. A child's sense of belonging can be strengthened so much by this simple act of love - sitting and chatting. Regardless of the age of the child, one can spend 5 or 10 minutes at some time after school sitting together and talking about the day. (Make sure it doesn't sound like an interrogation - some children need to wait a while before the want to chat!!) For younger children one can ask: Who did you play with, did you paint today, what games did you play, did you bake, did your teacher read the book you took etc. For older children, one can ask about their tests, lessons, homework, friends and extra murals. For quality time children especially, this is a time that says "you are so important to me and I love you so much that I would like to sit down with you and hear all about your day". If children resist, it may be worth explaining the love in this activity.

Interestingly, these quality time chats have a few other benefits. Reporting is quite a difficult conversational skill for little children to learn, and talking about things in their immediate world helps them learn this skill. Remembering is also a learned skill, as well as explaining things in sequence. On an emotional level, talking about things helps them process how they are feeling, especially if they had difficult or sad experiences. And this is probably the best time for you to hear things that may be problematic such as friends exerting a negative influence or behaviours you wish to address.

Back to top

A love language thought
1. Back to school
Primary school is an exciting time in a child's life, but also quite a stretch for the parents who have to get used to all the demands made by their child's education! Homework, projects, tests and exams not to mention concerts, sport and extra murals are all part of the fun! The great part of it all is that school activities offer numerous opportunities for parents to express various kinds of love to a child. And children thrive in every way by having involved parents.
So where is the love to be found? Firstly it is in our attitude. One can be involved but distracted, involved but irritated, involved but angry, involved but impatient, involved but disparaging. Our patience, kindness and welcoming attitude is the key to filling these activities with love. And the research is clear on the strong connection between parental love and a child's ability to learn.

• Reading: Listening to a child read their reader is filled with love - quality time focus, physical touch as you sit together, and words of affirmation as you give positive feedback. Children thrive on kind responses (Don't worry, you are just learning OR We can practise again tomorrow OR you have done so well today OR I am so proud of how you have improved) rather than criticism. This is certainly an activity to treasure rather than delegating it to someone else!

• Practising counting, bonds and times tables: Without a parent's loving attention, few children can cope with the discipline required to practise rote learning. Only parents can make this fun! And of course maths concepts have to be part of every day life from birth in order for children to conceptualise easily in Grade 1. Include counting activities all the time (How many forks and knives do we need for supper OR please pick 10 beans from the garden OR how many flowers did you pick OR go and pack 3 pairs of shoes.)

• Learning for tests and exams: Difficult as this may be, the quality time you make available for your child's learning will be directly related to how they manage to master the material. In my years of teaching, despite trying my utmost in class and incentivising and encouraging every child, only those whose parents took the time to spend daily on their learning managed to cope with the assessment tests and exams. Learning involves an act of service as you train and teach your child, and there are wonderful opportunites for loving words all the time.

• Checking the school bag and homework diary and packing to the timetable: This daily act of service forms the training that enables a child to be personally organised over time. It is time-consuming and repetitive, but if you invest the time in the early primary school years, a child will naturally become more independent as they grow older, which makes your life EASIER in the long run!!

• Cutting out pictures: This act of service love activity can be quite fun, and once children have mastered it, they will happily do it on their own. Jason and I have been doing this since Grade 000, and this morning he leapt out of bed and asked if he could make a poster for school on lions (being in the Grade 0 lion class!). All on his own, with a small bit of help, he selected, cut, pasted and even drew his lions, adding his name and class name at the end! The investment of doing it TOGETHER when they are young pays dividends when they get older and can do it on their own!

• Going to the library: It is tempting to think that using the internet is an easy option for today's children, but quite the reverse is needed! The information on the internet is generally unedited, and the discernment needed for selecting good material from the internet comes from the slow process of learning to read in-depth from well-edited books. Popular Mechanics published an article entitled "Is google making us stupid" (October 2008), pointing out that internet surfing produces children who can only "surface feed" information. Furthermore, one can compare books by placing them side-by-side, and one can quickly flip back and forth between pages. Going to the library and patiently teaching your child (not mom!!) the complex skill of selecting, processing and presenting good information will span the duration of their primary school career. It is certainly a worthwhile act of service to do!

• Doing things on time: School is filled with books to be covered, forms to be returned, things to be brought, money to be paid and places to be! Doing this on time is an act of service for your child that helps them learn the value of personal responsibility!

There is certainly much more love to be found in being involved with your child's education. I hope that you enjoy finding it!

2. SETTLING IN TO PLAYGROUP

Going to play group for the first time is quite a big step, and there are wonderful ways to use your Love Languages to help your little one settle in. The playgroup teachers I have spoken to have all commented about the fact that children whose parents spend a little time settling them generally have a better contentment and detatchment rate.
So what is "settling" all about?
Remember that under 3 years a child draws all emotional sustenance, confidence, identity and ability to learn from mom. It is important and age-appropriate under 3 to spend some time (10 - 20 minutes) handing over a child. Obviously this means that one has to arrive early enough to be able to fit this in before the daily programme begins. This can involve some of the following:

• Pushing them on the swing

• Jumping them on the tampoline

• Sitting and playing on the carpet with them

• Sitting doing activities with them at a table

Once you have done this, you can be satisfied that your child's love tank is full. You will have had time to include touch, words and quality time - just the boost needed to carry them through the day!

When it comes time to leave, please note that tricking a child, sneaking out or lying to them in order to get away is counter-productive! They will be distracted for the rest of the day, never knowing clearly what to expect. Rather be honest: "Mommy is going to go and you are going to play here with teacher. I will come and fetch you at lunch time." Pick them up, hug them and hand them over to the arms of the teacher in the first few weeks, then walk away calmly! They will stop crying just when you are out of earshot!

Back to top

A Love Language Thought
Using physical touch

Reference: The Five Love Languages of Children (Gary Chapman and Ross Campbell)
Looking at the newsletters over the past year, I realised that I have not elaborated on physical touch at all, so here are a few nifty ideas:

• Face painting is a great activity not only to extend mom's artistic abilities, but to speak love through service and touch. It helps to copy from simple pictures, and stick initially to simple ideas. Kids love it even if it is imperfect!

• After-bath-lotion is a brilliant way to use loving touch for a touch child.

• Touch children love any and all forms of giving and receiving touch - letting kids do hairstyles on mom is a favourite for littlies and a good opportunity for mom to zone out for a while!! Once they have learnt to be gentle, many children will enjoy finding lots of different ways to play hairdresser!

• A parent on a picnic blanket will never cease to be an open invitation to a touch children to climb, cuddle, ride and bounce on dad or mom! A fabulous de-stressor in a modern world!

Back to top

A Love Language Thought
Packing for holiday
Reference: The Five Love Languages of Children (Gary Chapman and Ross Campbell)
Over this past long weekend, we took the family camping in Polokwane where my husband was attending a conference. Now that my children are a little older (5 and 3 years), I decided to involve them in packing their own bags in a more independent way. Previously I have selected and taken out the clothes for them to pack into the bags. This time I set aside some time to involve them more and was amazed to realise the immense value in this activity.
The more I study Acts of Service love (which is in no way my own primary love language!!), the more intrigued I am at the learning that happens when we encourage children to serve. Here are a few thoughts on what was going on while we were packing bags!

• Following instructions - "Go and fetch three pairs of socks".

• Listening.

• Counting.

• Colours - "I want you to choose 5 outfits of matching shorts and t-shirts". (At 5 Jason managed this, at 3 Beth needed to be guided).

• Remembering the instruction.

• Focussing on one activity at a time.

• How to break up a big task (packing your bag) into little steps - a VITAL skill for primary school tasks and projects.

• Decision-making (part of the development of independence) - "go and choose one pair of closed shoes and two pairs of summer shoes".

• Helping - tasks don't magically happen at night while the kids sleep. The children are involved and understand how much work is involved in selecting and packing clothes. They are far less likely to take the contents of their bags for granted having invested thought and time into the packing.

• Acceptance of imperfection - the bag does not have to be perfectly packed although neatness should be attempted. Packing is a skill that must be learnt and improved on over time, with lots of encouragement.

• Personal responsibility - being able to do things for myself.

• A sense of pride and achievement at a task completed, especially when mom expresses words of affirmation.

• Older children can be involved in creating a list of what they think they will need for the duration of the holiday before they pack.

• Older children can be involved in the planning of menus, food to buy and the packing of supplies.

I noticed that both children were very interested in selecting their own clothes on holiday and they were careful in the use of their bags.
There are a few lovely by-products of this approach for mom!

• The activity is a good way to fill time instead of racking your brain to think of something to keep little ones occupied.

• It actually saves mom time - she has two less bags to pack at night!

• It is an opportunity to express so much love to a child - mom has confidence in you, you are a clever girl to have followed the instruction, I am so proud of you for having packed your own bags!

• It forces you as mom to slow down and practise patience :-)

This activity does take some planning, and your own thoughts have to be ready for the slow process and the constant repetition. However, its certainly worth the time to see the increased maturity and competence that such involvement produces. Happy packing!

Back to top

A Love Language Thought
Vegetable gardening

Reference: The Five Love Languages of Children (Gary Chapman and Ross Campbell)
While reading an article by Bill Kerr in SA Gardening magazine some time back, I was amazed to see that the starting point of a love for gardening and plants began when his mom planted four beans in the garden! Today he is a well-known horticulturalist and regular writer on garden matters. We never know which experience will spark a lifetime of interest for our children - we just have the privilege of walking with them through their excitement of discovering something new.
We planted our four beans outside the kitchen door about two years back, not even clearing a special place for them to grow. Jason so enjoyed being given the task to "go and pick some beans for dinner", that we gradually added to our patch as we became a little more confident. Although the children do not have set or regular chores in the veggie patch, I involve them in things like switching on the sprinkler (and running through it of course!), picking beans, lettuce leaves, spinach or tomatoes, digging out weeds, putting in compost, planting seedlings and sowing seeds.
As an educator, I can see the value of children learning basic concepts "hands on" in their own garden. Simple terms like roots, stem, leaves and fruit as well as ideas like what a seed needs for germination are all out there in your veggie patch! Snails, slugs, worms and shongololos will visit by the dozen all to be explored. And children will experience the wonder of nature as their plants grow and grow. Children armed with this type of experiental general knowledge have an excellent foundation for formal learning in years to come.
Interestingly, doing acts of service out in the garden has many other unusual benefits. Hard work is one by-product very important for young children to learn. In an instant and perfection-addicted society, it is easy to be critical of less-than-perfect produce. Having grown your own, your children may be more forgiving of a slightly imperfect tomato, and will appreciate the huge amount of effort, time and expertise that goes into growing and keeping fresh, all the produce we buy. An appreciation of the work of others is an important developmental experience in the preschool years.
So to get you started, here are a few easy tips.

• Beans can be germinated in cottonwool, inside, in the sun, with daily watering. But because they also need air, do not pack the top cottonwool too tightly over them or they will rot. They can be planted out between September and January in a sunny spot once they have their first leaves (6 hours sun per day).

• Don't plant beans in the same soil again, as the second crop will not grow!

• 6-8 bean plants will give you enough beans for your family to eat every 2 -4 days. They will need a few poles to climb up as they get taller.

• Watch for snails and slugs!

• Buy a packet of beans at your local supermarket - they will germinate quite well. The packet will last for a LONG time, so share with others!

• Other veggies and herbs to try (easy if you buy them in seed trays from a nursery) are spinach, parsley and mint.

• Carrots are successful to sow if you have friable soil and do not plant them in fresh compost as their roots split.

Young children will enjoy picking or cutting veg (with supervision) and washing them before use. And amazingly, children may even eat unheard of veggies if they grow them themselves!

Back to top

A Love Language Thought
Clothing messages

Reference: The Five Love Languages of Children (Gary Chapman and Ross Campbell)
Whenever I wander around a children's clothing store, I notice some lovely wording on T-shirts and jackets, which gets me thinking about how we can give words of affirmation to our children even through the clothes we select for them! I particularly notice wording on boys clothes because positive messages can be hard to find, whereas girls clothes always have delightful messages about love, butterlfies, princesses and fairies!
When God made me He was just showing off
Awesum
Wings of freedom
Mane Man
Champion
The next best thing
Explorer
Avoid "naughty is cute" or "rebellious is cool" messages, of which there are many on boys clothing, and be selective about wording. The best of course, is sitting down and reading wonderful words to your child, explaining why you like them and why you chose them. A delightful moment of love!

Back to top

A Love Language Thought
Giving words

Reference: The Five Love Languages of Children (Gary Chapman and Ross Campbell)
A wonderful and unusual way of including words of affirmation in our families is to look for opportunities to affirm one person to another, either in their presence or not. Some examples are:

• When one parent has done something for the children, the other parent may say "Your mommy loves you so much. She took so much time to make playdough/an activity for you". Or "Wow look what daddy did - he made a ramp for your cars/a bridge for you to walk on".

• When coming home from visiting grandparents to say "Your granny and grampa love you so much. Granny really enjoys reading books to you" or "they really love it when you visit them".

• When a new baby arrives and the older sibling is learning to adjust, to tell the other parent in front of the older child: "Jason was such a helpful boy today, and he was so good with his little sister. He really loves her very much".

• When one child spontaneously does something caring or kind for someone else, like sharing smarties, or letting a sibling have a turn with a toy, to describe this to the other parent over dinner that evening.

• When coming home from school with a clever craft activity or lovely art work, to also say "You have such a clever teacher, look how much she loves you, she planned this wonderful activity for you to do today!"

Words of affirmation do not have to be directed to the person being affirmed, but this person can also enjoy hearing the words of affirmation being expressed to someone else in their presence. And using works of affirmation when the person is not there is valuable in that the children learn to always be appreciative of others and to speak kindly of people when they are not present.

Back to top

A Love Language Thought
The value of recycling

Reference: The Five Love Languages of Children (Gary Chapman and Ross Campbell)
While visiting a friend a few years back, I noticed a couple of wash-basket type containers in her kitchen. I was intrigued, as she was using them to recycle items right there. I took her idea and, because I have a tiny kitchen, I put my baskets in the garage and started to recycle too.
Once I had my children, I began to include them from a very young age in the recycling process. A chore such as this is acts of service, and all children can participate in helping. This is not a formal chore but it happens as needed. Practically, we collect recycling materials in one of our vegetable racks in the kitchen, and sort it into the garage bins approximately once a week.
There are a range of skills learnt by a young child engaged in this activity. Apart from the loving quality time of doing this together with mom or dad, there are other educational skills:

• Following instructions: "Beth please take this tissue box and put it in the recycling cupboard".

• Sorting, a vital pre-school skill: plastic into one bin, egg boxes and toilet roll inners into another, tins into a third, glass into a fourth, cardboard into a box and paper into the Ronnie Bag.

• Distinguishing different types of plastic (same and different, hard and soft).

• Now and then our recycling efforts have led to creative contraptions!

• The moral value which is an expression of consideration: "We look after our planet by recycling as much as we can and not putting too much waste onto the rubbish dump. Recycling gives lots of people a job." So we drop everything, neatly bagged, at Mama She's every few months.

Back to top

A Love Language Thought
The diningroom table

Reference: The Five Love Languages of Children (Gary Chapman and Ross Campbell)
Some time during 2008, I watched a series on SABC called FOOD MYTHS, and was astounded to see some of the myths they busted around children and food! One that stands out in my mind is that they proved that children eat a huge amount MORE food having their meals in front of Television, than when they eat at a table! This was visually portrayed for us in EXTRA SLICES OF PIZZA PER ANNUM, a very sobering thought.
Of course the diningroom table is not only excellent for healthy eating habits, but it offers an exciting wealth of quality time opportunities in our rushed lives. Ross Campbell (How to Really Love your Child) defines quality time using three ingredients: eye contact, focus and undivided attention. Not all "together" time qualifies as loving quality time, but table time can easily fit into this catagory.
Table time can include some of the following quality time and learning activities:

• Listening to mom and dad have a polite adult conversation;

• Participating in a polite conversation about the day where each member has a turn to have everyone's undivided attention and interest;

• Learning good table manners and etiquette, an essential skill for corporate world sucess and social expertise;

• Telling stories and remembering family events such as holidays, funny happenings or outings;

• Learning that part of loving your family is to have the self-control to stay seated until everyone else is finished;

• Learning that another way to love your family is to have self control around technology at the table, because the quality time is with the real people in front of you, and other communication can happen later. Mom and dad can leave their cellphones elsewhere when they are at the table;

• Learning that life is not solely about entertainment. Entertainment (TV, music, etc) has a specific place but it cannot take over every aspect of life. Eating at a table with the TV off reinforces this.

• Learning by the example of their parents, that not everything in life has to be multi-tasked! Mom is able to sit down and stay there and enjoy her family too!

The list of benefits of using the diningroom table is endless! Keep at it! Your children will only gain greatly from your insistence on sitting together at meals

Back to top

A Love Language Thought
Bedtime stories 
Reference: The Five Love Languages of Children (Gary Chapman and Ross Campbell)
"Please mommy can we have a pink flying cow story tonight!" In October 2008 when Geoff went overseas for a week, we bunked the children in one room and I started a special evening treat of telling three short stories to them on their beds before bedtime. Although we usually read books some time during the day each day, this was something different. Based solely on an image of a wooden, pink cow flying on one of our DVDs, I launched into a series of imaginary stories over some months about pink flying cows. The children were entranced! Jason even told me that he saw the pink flying cow milk in the shop, and could we please buy some!
Bedtime stories are a brilliant way of doing a quality time "snuggle up" at night, a comforting time before sleep when all is quiet and mom or dad say "I love you" by spending a few minutes telling a story. The possibilities are endless. I did a whole series for Beth using Topsy and Tim as my characters, but re-telling events that were actually happening or going to happen in her life. For a two year old, this is an effective way of processing events and hearing "story re-telling", a vital skill in comprehension thinking. For both children, I did a short series on "When mommy was a little girl..", telling some of the exciting things that stand out in my memory from my childhood. This has great value in deepening our children's family roots, and in helping them to think outside of their own experiences.
So let your imagination fly! The more unusual and "out of the box" your stories are, the more you will stretch your children's imaginations to become rich ground for THINKING! Our flying cows have been to the beach, visited a volcano, found treasure in a cave and floated in the dead sea! Having waded through many years of Grade 5 and 6 creative writing stories, I can testify to the fact that those children whose parents read to them and tell stories to them, in turn write creative stories that are a pleasure to read!

Back to top

A Love Language Thought
Baking together

Reference: The Five Love Languages of Children (Gary Chapman and Ross Campbell)
When Geoff and I got married, he reminds me that I stated clearly that he shouldn't expect me to bake cakes and biscuits all the time, as I really didn't enjoy baking that much! I can recall my grandmother and my mom baking regularly, but I really didn't have the inclination to do so myself.
As my children have grown however, I have seen the wonderful benefits of baking together. Acts of Service is clearly not my forte, but I have had to learn this love language for my son who adores "doing things" and "making things". Baking is a firm favourite, and being part of every step in the process helps him to express his love language and mature in his ability to love other people. Activities like baking and cooking for the family help children to grow from serving themselves (making their bed, tidying their own toys, taking their plates to the kitchen etc) to serving the family. These types of activities teach them how to love others through serving, a very important lesson to be learned for adult life, business leadership and parenthood.
The love, however, has to be explained to avoid a child seeing service activities as boring chores. "We are making these cookies for tea this afternoon because granny and grampa are coming for tea and we love them very much." And for non acts of service children, who should equally be involved in learning to serve others, the lesson may be one on doing loving things for others even though we may not feel like doing so.

Back to top

A Love Language Thought
Celebrating a milestone birthday

Reference: The Five Love Languages of Children (Gary Chapman and Ross Campbell)
I must credit my cousin with this inspiring idea for a milestone birthday gift! When each of her children have turned ten, she has created a flip folder for them that includes pictures, letters and inspirational messages appropriate to the child. The expression of love is amazing:

• Each member of the family writes a letter to the child explaining ten qualities they admire or love about them. This is an expression of words of affirmation. Young children can dictate their list to an adult!

• Interspersed with the letters are pictures she printed out of the child doing loving activities with the family. This is a reminder of the many quality time happenings in the past, and a reminder of how much he or she is loved.

• In her particular books she has taken admirable qualities and character traits that they as a family aspire to, and created a sheet for each of the ten qualities with Bible references and related pictures. This can include things like honesty, kindness, diligence, self-control and love for others. The book then becomes an act of service as it is lovingly put together with special thought for the child and his or her strengths and abilities.

• Lastly, the giving of the book is surrounded by physical touch, and the parents explain and read the book with the child.

My children have not yet reached a tenth milestone, but I am storing up this idea for later use and will be interested to hear if anyone tries it out! I am sure it would be suitable for a tenth, 13th, 16th or even 21st birthday gift. I wouldn't use it earlier as the very nature of the content requires some length of time in getting to know - and shape - your child's character, and some maturity in being able to appreciate the gift.

Back to top

A Love Language Thought
Choosing gifts according to love languages

Reference: The Five Love Languages of Children (Gary Chapman and Ross Campbell)
As I sat watching Geoff build Lego with Jason the day after Christmas, I thought about the wonderful opportunity gifts present in speaking love to our children in their primary love language. We can choose gifts that help us to love them in their favourite way, and help us as parents to step out of our own comfort zone and into something a little different.

For instance, loving a quality time child through a gift may mean buying a board game and playing it with them. Or buying sports equipment that will get us off the couch and into the garden for a game of basketball or baseball. For an acts of service child, it could be a craft or hobby kit to do together; you could even make your own board game and play it together! A physical touch child might enjoy an interactive reading book, read snuggled up next to mom or dad. And a words child could enjoy a challenging activity related to his or her interest where you can praise and encourage them as they progress.

Any gift bought with careful thought for the interests and abilities of a child shows love and care. And when gifts are given together with loving words and loving touch, we prevent our gifts from becoming just another acquisition. Enjoy choosing birthday gifts this year!

Back to top

Loving Discipline
For the under fours - Compound Interest
Discipline training children is a lot like compound interest – you may not see the return straight away, but with persistence and consistency over time, you will look back and be amazed at how much your children have grown! The trick is to stick to your guns and keep your goal clearly in front of you!

Starting off on this process with young children also means that you should start with tackling one or two things at a time, not try to “fix” everything in one go. Pick important battles to fight such as keeping hands in the car seat straps, staying at the supper table, co-operating on brushing teeth or getting dressed in the morning. Work on your chosen area/areas for as long as it takes to get compliance… for some children it will be quick, for some children it will be a much longer and more painful process. Regardless of the time you have to invest, remember the return on your investment will be most enjoyable once your children have got it right!

Back to top

Loving Discipline
Developing respectful, self-controlled, kind behaviour Grade R, 1 and 2

Grade R, 1 and 2 are very important years in a child’s school life, and it is helpful if parents have a sense of what they should be trying to accomplish during these years to support the education process and make their own lives a whole lot easier! I have jotted down a few ideas to get you thinking!

RESPECTFUL, SELF CONTROLLED, KIND BEHAVIOUR

·         In Grade 1 especially, with classes much bigger than the preschool, children may go through a whole re-evaluation of the moral values you have passed on to them, and may come home with strange behaviours and reactions that you are not expecting. They will be jostling for position socially, making new friends, observing different reactions to authority, and with the greater freedom available on the playground, they may be pushing some boundaries to see how far they can go.

·         The first term requires some re-statement of values. Some examples could be:

o   “In our family we speak nicely to each other. We never mock or laugh at other people. Just because other children laugh at their friends does not mean you have the right to do the same.”

o   “Teasing hurts other people’s feelings and focusses on their weaknesses. In our family we love and care for people and make them feel accepted.”

o   “Yes there are children who break the rules – jump on the tables, run on the corridors, throw litter, backchat the teacher. In our family we love and respect our teacher who works very hard for her class every day, and we obey the rules because they are there to make everyone safe.”

o   “Our bodies are private and we respect each other in the bathrooms even if others are playing silly games.”

·         The first term of Grade R, 1 or 2 requires that parents evaluate how THEY speak about the school and about the teachers. If you engage in a constant verbal barrage against all teachers at every opportunity, you will find you have a disrespectful child who is unappreciative of the supremely hard work teachers do on a daily basis. Speak positively!

o   “Wow your teacher is very clever thinking up such a nice Art activity”, or

o   “Your music teacher always comes up with such exciting songs and activities”,  or

o   “Isn’t it lovely that your school has a pool and your teachers take you swimming every week. Lots of schools in South African don’t have pools”,  or

o   “Aren’t you lucky that you have a wonderful library teacher who chooses exciting books for you to read?” or

o   “Your Grade 1 teacher has such a beautiful classroom – she has worked very hard to make all those posters for you to read from”. 

·         Persevere through term 1 and insist on a return to the considerate, kind and restrained responses you have been cultivating in your home. Apply consequences (ie warned up front) where necessary.

o   For disrespectful speaking say “try that again” or “Come back later and try that again”.

o   Draw the line firmly at “toilet humour”,  instead cultivating a sense of respect for the privacy of a person’s body. Isolate a child who engages in discussing or laughing about bodily functions or sexuality matters.

o   For rude behaviour with siblings, shouting, unkind speaking, teasing or mocking, isolate the offender to their room for a period of time.

Back to top

Loving Discipline
Using Money to Teach self control

I recently had to open bank accounts for my two children and so the issue of money and small children has been on my mind. As with all things our children experience, we have the opportunity to use these events to shape and mature our children. Money is just one such opportunity, and the way we introduce our children to money will begin to shape their future views and expectations regarding money.

 In the pre-marriage course that Geoff and I occasionally run, we have a finance module where we ask participants to evaluate their money past, money present and money personality. The way money was handled during their childhoods is always found to play a role in the way they handle money as adults.

So the question to ask is “What kind of money-handling maturity am I hoping to develop as I introduce my child to money?”

 These are some of the things I have been thinking about for my own children:

·         That my child should learn to value money not as something that is very easy to come by, but something to appreciate and value.

·         That first and foremost money is equivalent to work in the process of earning it, and that only secondly is money about using it!

·         That we give controlled amounts of money to children (eg pocket money) with the purpose of teaching them responsible money handling, not with the purpose of teaching them unlimited spending.

·         That the smaller the child, the smaller the amount of money they are able to handle.

·         That in accordance with Loving Discipline principles of not giving too many freedoms too early, we should only introduce children to their own money when they can confidently understand it, count it and use it. Take note of when money is covered in Maths in Grade 1 for an indicator.

·         That the older the child gets, the more personal responsibilities they should have attached to their money eg teenagers having to buy their own toiletries out of a monthly allowance.

·         That we can teach budgeting from a very early age – save some, tithe some, give some or use some – in a practical and understandable way.

·         That learning to live according to your income is something even the smallest child can learn and benefit from! This involves teaching children how to resist social pressures around them and wait for things. 

·         That teaching a child to save up for something as opposed to just giving a large sum of money will teach valuable life lessons such as delayed gratification, patience, goal setting and the satisfaction of having attained that goal.

We have been very cautious about introducing money to our children (7 years and 5 years). Our tooth fairy is on a strict budget (Just add up the teeth and make sure it doesn’t come to a vast sum!!), and my son was quite proud of himself when he could go and buy something he had seen after saving up his tooth money and working a little to earn the shortfall. Small lessons with small amounts of money.

Likewise on the tuck side, we have kept tuck to once a term not just from a financial point of view, but from a health point of view – it’s cheaper to eat well and be healthy than pay for tooth fillings and the results of poor health! In that respect, I prefer to make my children’s lunches.

From a pocket money point of view, we will start in Grade 2 when we can see sufficient maturity and personal responsibility and an ability to understand and handle money well. Prior to pocket money, being responsible for set amounts such as for cake and candy or a fun day at school can help to introduce money concepts. Of course children in primary school need to go through the process of concrete money handling ie cash before moving into the world of bank accounts and cards which may be more appropriate towards high school.

Teaching prudence with money is an excellent investment in your own future peace of mind too – it helps to prevent the development of ENTITLEMENT, a nasty disease which can be a driving force in the teenage years that you want to avoid!

Back to top

LOVING DISCIPLINE
Helping distractible children

Back to top

LOVING DISCIPLINE
Learning from Example

Back to top

LOVING DISCIPLINE
Being Prepared

Based on principles contained in the book "One Becoming Childwise" by Gary Ezzo and Robert Bucknam and on the Loving Discipline principles derived from this book.

Some discipline problems are not discipline problems at all… they are really just bored children getting up to mischief and trying to occupy themselves!

An excellent idea when going somewhere where your child may be expected to sit and wait, such as doctors rooms, the dentist, a talk, church, tea with a friend or visiting granny and grandpa, is to take a bag of tricks with you. Go prepared with various toys, puzzles, drawing or other activities that your child has not seen for some time. With the under threes, you will have to participate actively in the play or at the very least get them started. Take an interest and help them to play constructively and quietly instead of roaming around at large. It may be a bit of work for you, but it will certainly have many other benefits. Children who learn the art of waiting are a pleasure to all those around them!

Back to top

LOVING DISCIPLINE
Self Control

Based on principles contained in the book "One Becoming Childwise" by Gary Ezzo and Robert Bucknam

Daniel Goleman, progenitor of the Emotional Intelligence concept, had this to say about self control:
"It seems that the ability to delay gratification is a master skill, a triumph of the reasoning brain over the impulsive one" (Nancy Gibbs, "The EQ factor", Time, October 2 1995, p60). In his research study results, he outlines the positive benefits of self control as children grow up and become teenagers. He found these children to be better adjusted, more popular, adventurous, confident and dependable and with higher Scholastic Aptitude Test results.

Gary Ezzo comments on the development of self-control as follows:
"Self-control is a base virtue. That is, other virtues and life skills in an individual can't exist without it. Self control influences kindness, gentleness, proper speech, the ability to control negative emotions, focussing skills, sitting skills and many other behaviours. Each of these has a corollary impact on learning." (Gary Ezzo, On Becoming Childwise, Parent-wise solutions, 2004, p38.)

Ezzo also comments that teaching self-control is too late at age five, but should be taught as early as possible! Self control training, according to Dr James Dobson, starts from as early as 7 months and is most effective with children under 3 years of age.

Practically speaking, PARENTS are responsible to teach a child self control. This value should be in place BEFORE preschool, as it impacts a child's ability to sit, focus, listen, follow instructions, cope socially, respond to authority, study, complete tasks and projects, work independently, be well adjusted in his environment and know appropriate behaviours. An all round excellent value for a young child to have to stand them in good stead for their school years!

Back to top

LOVING DISCIPLINE
Following Through

Based on principles contained in the book "One Becoming Childwise" by Gary Ezzo and Robert Bucknam and on the Loving Discipline principles derived from this book.
 A good question to ask yourself while training YOURSELF to apply Loving Discipline principles is this:
Does my child comply with what I ask, or do they refuse, delay, shout, scream, throw a tantrum, negotiate, avoid, pretend they didn't hear, argue, divert your attention, get distracted or somehow get YOU to do what you asked THEM to do?

Following through on requests is vital - "No I asked YOU to do ........ and I am not changing my mind. If you don't ...... then ...... consequence will happen". Then get up and follow through on your consequence.

Back to top

LOVING DISCIPLINE
First things First again!

Ross Campbell (co-author of the Five Love Languages of Children) wrote a most delightful book called "How to really love your child". In his chapter on discipline, he makes the following comments about the connection between love and discipline. I couldn't say it better so I have quoted relevant sections:

In my mind, the Love Languages information always precedes the Loving Discipline information - you cannot discipline a child on an empty love tank. And making sure our children have enough time with both parents in the critical under four training years is a vital key to filling the love tank. Ross Campbell's words are a reminder to us to continue practising love all the time - the need for discipline never necessitates a removal of love.

Back to top

LOVING DISCIPLINE
Choices - All ages

I recently took my children to the Pretoria Zoo for the day during their October break. What a delightful experience and a beautiful zoo to visit! I realised during this visit that in our complex society, we as parents are faced with a myriad of CHOICES each day for which we need to have thought through where we stand. Do I hire the golf cart and ride around the zoo, or do we walk? Choices, choices! Well of course we WALK - there is nothing better for children than to develop qualities like tenacity, perseverance, resilience, patience and empathy than when we all walk together! Not forgetting of course good old sunshine, fresh air and exercise!  And then we saw far
more animals, ate less and had a really long and tiring visit! They certainly slept well that night!  

Back to top

LOVING DISCIPLINE
The Floor Monster

LOVING DISCIPLINE
“The results of permissive parenting’ and “Developing resilience” – for all ages.

Based on concepts from "On Becoming Childwise" by Gary Ezzo and Robert Bucknam, and "Making Happy People" by Dr Paul Martin. This section of information assumes an understanding of the information contained in the Loving Discipline workshop.

1. Permissive parenting has a worrying outcome in older children and teens that parents need to be aware of. It’s a good motivation to keep tightening up, to be firm and consistent (yet always loving), and not to give in all the time!

The outcome is this:
Because permissive parents prevent their children from going through any kind of negative emotion (doing something difficult, not getting your own way, having to wait for your needs to be met, accepting the consequences for your misdeeds, experiencing some form of loss as a consequence, not having your every whim and desire met, not being the centre of everything, having all your misbehaviour excused due to tiredness or hunger etc), these children are "programmed" to only do things that FEEL GOOD. As a result, they may find it extremely difficult to do anything that requires commitment, perseverance, determination and persistence. They will find it easy to avoid anything difficult, and as a result may avoid personal growth and stretching activities that lead to maturity. They may prefer to remain "cocooned" in safety and comfort, never venturing out from their comfort zone! Its good to be lovingly firm - keep moving yourself towards better and more consistent firmness!

2. Developing resiliance
My son started swimming lessons recently, something he just loves as he counts every day to the next lesson. The first lesson went very well, and we arrived at the second lesson to be told the school had swopped days and did not yet have my contact details to let me know. The lesson would now be on the following day. One brave little boy disintegrated into floods of tears accompanied by the sympathy crying of his sister as we drove the short distance home! Sad - but actually such an excellent opportunity to teach him how to cope with disappointment. Life is full of disappointments, and shielding children from them is less helpful than helping them to talk through the problem.
The way we ourselves respond to disappointments on behalf of our children is also a pointer for them on how to cope. I was quite calm and found out all the details and said to the teacher that life is about changing direction sometimes, and that we would be happy to come the next day. I took time to talk clearly to him about what was happening and why, and explained that he would be just fine waiting one more day for his lesson. I let him cry and we talked about how sad it was to wait for the next day, and we talked about how much he had looked forward to the lesson, and how sometimes in life things are changed and we can't do anything about it.
Taking time to properly process is an excellent investment in emotional maturity! After processing properly, my son was happily able to look forward to the next day's lesson again, and he went in to the lesson as excited as usual. This approach means that our children become RESPONSIBLE for themselves, not constantly blaming their unhappiness on other people. They learn to be CONSIDERATE, not expecting other adults to re-arrange their entire programme to accommodate one child's happiness. They become more MATURE, not measuring their success in life only by present happiness. And they become more RESILIANT, better equipped to face the real world.

LOVING DISCIPLINE
The tidy fairy - For all ages

Reference: "On Becoming Childwise" by Gary Ezzo and Robert Bucknam. This section of information assumes an understanding of the information contained in the Loving Discipline workshop.

THE TIDY FAIRY
Part of discipline training of children encompasses teaching them to be responsible for themselves. Restraint and self control as well as obedience should lead on further to taking up responsibility for ones self and then ultimately owning that responsibility without reminders and cajoling. So what is the limiting factor for young children to take up and keep personal responsibility?
The answer is very simple: It's US! I have been watching myself lately - its too easy to quickly take a pair of shoes with you as you head down the passage, drop the shoes in the cupboard, whip the lunch box out of the bag, close a couple of drawers, straighten the bed and close the curtains while collecting a cup and a bowl and heading back to the kitchen. All this and the child had to do nothing! The magic "TIDY FAIRY" did her job, and no learning of personal responsibility took place! (Even more tragic is when the tidy fairy is an employee who follows the child around neatly straightening up after them as they roam through the house!)
So I have been reminding myself to leave it be, making sure to leave the responsibilities firmly in my child's corner! There are a few gradual steps in this process that are very helpful:

• To start with, make a simple star chart of only three things that a young child has to learn to be responsibile for - age appropriately. Good starters are to make the bed, get dressed and brush hair. Other things can be added in the morning like opening curtains, putting on shoes, taking the school bag to the kitchen to collect lunch boxes and brushing teeth. Methodically teach each item, daily reminding the child and awarding stickers for each item completed. This will take a few weeks. This is good to start around the age of three. At this age, the task will still be closely tied to your reminder, encouragement and presence, but they must start learning to do the job. This stage should take quite a long time as you gradually see greater skill and ability and independence in each of the three tasks. For instance, it took my daughter quite a few months to learn to brush her own hair - we started with her brushing ten strokes before I would finish off, and worked up to her being able to do it all.

• Step 2 is to make a chart with three items as one: one sticker for doing all three: making the bed, getting dressed and brushing hair. You can remind as follows: "Have you done your three things?" or "Please go and do your three things" or "What three things must you do after breakfast?" This is good from around the age of four.

• Step 3 is to hand over the responsibility entirely to the child (no star chart) by saying: "You may play before school but only if you have done your three/five things." You just have to say "Please go and do your three/five things". Later on just say "Are you free to play?" This is good around the age of four to six, once you have overcome patheti-chitis!

In so doing, you gradually hand over the thinking and the responsibility to the child.
However, one has to keep extending this principle to more and more responsibilities. This could include:

• Are you free to go outside and play (the principle being that toys played with inside should be packed away before starting up on more toys outside). Same principle applies to "Are you free to come and watch this DVD" or "Are you all ready for supper - can I come and inspect your room?" or "Please check the house for your belongings before supper"

• Fine tune this principle: If items are being taken back to the bedroom, this means that they should be packed away where they came from and not just dumped in the doorway. Dirty laundry should be placed IN the wash basket and not thrown somewhere in the vicinity of the wash basket!

In the home, one should involve children from a very young age in all sorts of chores and responsibilities, but starting off more as an ad-hoc experience (yes I am saying it yet again!!). Laundry, cooking, baking, shopping, unpacking shopping, gardening, cleaning and dishes are all good. However, one must remember to keep at it - make a pointed effort to reserve certain things for the children to do as they move through preschool and not do them (efficiently) when the children are sleeping or at school. This can include:

• Taking their own clean laundry and packing it away neatly

• Learning to fold socks

• Sorting clothes for washing into different colours

• Laying the table

• Clearing the table

• Making their own toast and sandwiches

• Stripping their own beds on wash day

• Emptying their own waste paper basket

• Making their own juice

• Preparing their own breakfast

• Cutting items for a salad

Today I took my children to do the monthly groceries - I reserved the pushing of basket trolleys for them, the pushing of our full trolley to the car for the three of us (no help) and the taking of groceries to the right cupboards and rooms for them. These jobs have to be thought through and planned, especially in a society when there are lots of other "fairies" to do the work for our children!

Back to top

Loving discipline (for the under fours)
Inside outside!

A wonderfully helpful guide to use for little children with regards to what behaviour is acceptable, is a clever idea used by pre-school teachers at school. It certainly is worth using at home too! It involves helping younger children to distinguish between inside and outside behaviour.
For example:

• An inside voice is calm and polite and in a "normal" tone, while an outside voice may involve louder singing, appropriate shouting, or calling. However screaming would never be acceptable unless in a crisis, as it indicates a problem and a need for help.
• Inside toys are those toys that are clean, are small, involve fine motor table play or are delicate. Examples are puzzles, Lego, books, pencils, board games and small toys. In our family very small cars are included as inside toys while bigger more robust cars and truck are happily used outside. Occassionally inside toys go outside for specific games, but that is with permission and not for general throwing-around! An example would be taking a pencil and paper out into the garden and doing rubbings on different surfaces. Outside toys are those that are for more gross motor play, involve dirt or can make surfaces in the home dirty, or are likely to break things in the home with just normal use. Examples of outside toys include balls, black motorbikes, wagons, garden tools, sandpit toys, real tools like hammers and nails, wheelbarrows etc. You may have some toys that live inside (eg kitchen toys and play food) that are used outside regularly for activities like play camping, but are packed away inside again to keep them in good order.
• Inside behaviour is more controlled and "civilized", while outside behaviour should include rolling, wrestling, jumping, running, hand stands, hopping etc. Using outside behaviour inside just becomes more and more dangerous and potentially destructive as the child gets bigger!!

Simply explaining "That is outside behaviour - if you want to run around then please go and do it outside" or "We are inside now, please use your inside voice" helps children to make better decisions about how and where to use appropriate behaviour.

Back to top

Loving discipline (for the under fours)
Mommy's happiness

At a recent Loving Discipline workshop, the issue was raised of whether it is wise to say to a child "You made mommy so happy when you made your bed" or whatever the desirable behaviour was. The answer to this is NO it is not wise! A child's obedience in day-to-day activities should not be seen in reference to mommy's happiness - that only leads to people-pleasing behaviour.
For example: instead of only speaking about your level of happiness you can say things like:

• Thank you for making your bed.
• You are such a big boy to make your own bed.
• You are very responsible and helpful.
• Let's put a star on your chart for making your bed this morning.
• What a clever boy - you made your bed all on your own!
• Look how neatly/quickly you made your bed this morning - well done!

Instead of saying how sad your heart is that they didn't make their bed, you should only implement a consequence not at all related to your personal emotions. For example you could say:

• Please go and make your bed straight away so that we can go to the shops.
• If you don't go and make your bed right now then you cannot play/read/go outside/watch TV.
• For a tardy child - I am counting to 5 and by the time I get to 5 your bed needs to be made otherwise .... consequence.
• What do you have to do to get a star on the chart this morning? Well you better go and do it now otherwise no star!
• Please check your room and make sure that you have done everything you need to do before school so that you can play (older child of 5 or 6yrs).
• Are you free to play this morning? (older child of 5 or 6yrs)

Back to top

Discipline tips for the under fours
How to teach a young child to sit at a table

Based on principles contained in the book "On becoming Childwsie" by Gary Ezzo and Robert Bucknam. This section assumes a familiarity with the contents of the "Loving Discipline" workshop.
Sitting still is a very difficult thing to teach a young child, and yet this skill is VITAL for the entire duration of their 15 years of formal schooling! Teachers rely on parents to properly teach their children this skill so that their children can make the best use of the education given to them in class.
So how does one accomplish this?
Firstly one has to remember that sitting still is a MORAL VALUE - it is something a child learns as they choose to control their own body. Children do not naturally sit still! Those who appear to, have actually been taught the skill over a period of time.
If you have the advantage of starting early (under 1 year), you can use the following as part of your strategy:

If you have left this skill later than 2 or 3 years, it will obviously be far more difficult to train. However, with persistence, one can make progress. Some elements of your strategy can be as follows:

Children who can sit contentedly at a table will have a far happier and much more productive time at school!

Back to top

Discipline tips for the under fours
Yes and No!

One of the most trying aspects of having small children is the number of times one has to say NO! As some people say, they do not want their child to grow up thinking his name is No!! However, we need to consider that there are two types of yesses and nos, and we can have a positive approach to both types.
LOVE REQUESTS
In a very busy society with both parents now under pressure, children can easily be left with a low love tank level. This will show itself in love requests, and the best answer for a love request is YES! Children with an empty love tank appear very demanding to us, and every time we say no, they go away still unsatisfied, only to keep returning with the same or another request. Eventually they may appear to be "naughty" because they keep coming back! Ultimately the frazzled parent when really pushed may become irritated and snappy. This scenario would be very true of a quality time child with an empty love tank.
Examples of love requests could be "Mommy or Daddy please can you read to me/ please can you come and play with me/ please come and watch me ride my bike/please can we do something together/ please can you come and look at what I have done". You may need to say "Yes when I have finished ....." but the answer is still a welcoming "YES". Children with a satisfied love tank will settle down and become less demanding.
BOUNDARY CROSSINGS
On a different level, young children also keep going back and crossing the same boundary over and over again. In this instance, the "NO" should be firm, consistent and non-negotiable. In the context of all the "Yesses" given for love, the "nos" given for discipline training will not be excessive. And if you give your "No" with a clear explanation as to why this is no, you will make better progress.
One way to reduce the amount of times one has to say "No" is of course the implementation of a consequece. "No you can't ....... and if you do, then ........ will happen". It forces the child to take on the responsibility of deciding for him/herself a course of action and ends the constant repetition of the "No". If you find your self on the road of much repeating (as we all do sometimes!) just add in a consequence and go from there.
GIVING IN
An intersting question to consider is this: "Is giving in a form of love". For example Junior wants to unpack the nappy bag, you say "No", he insists, you keep saying "No", and then once he starts wailing loudly, you give in and let him unpack it, thinking it will do no harm. Interestingly, this is neither love nor discipline but indulgence. It is not love because it cannot be classified as any of the five love languages, and it is not discipline because he just learned to manipulate an authority figure. The peace and quiet you have is really a false sense of happiness and not the contentment that comes with rather redirecting and saying "No I will not change my mind, you cannot unpack the nappy bag - but mommy would like to read you a book instead".

Back to top

Discipline tips for the under fours
LOVING DISCIPLINE for boys

I have been avoiding discussion on this topic, but due to a number of recent incidents, have decided that the time is now!
I witnessed quite a spectacular tantrum thrown in a public shopping mall by a boy of about 7 or 8 years. Interesting to watch .... it was really just a 2 year old tantrum being thrown by an 7 year old! Mom screamed but had no effect, and dad pretended that nothing was wrong. I then heard of an 8 year old boy who threw a tantrum EVERY DAY of a two week holiday for every thing he did not like or agree with. The adult relationship involved deteriorated beyond repair as a result. If that was not enough, I watched Special Assignment on the juvenile detention centre at Leeuwkop Prison for 14 - 21 year olds. Sobering. The next thing was a letter to the local paper about how rude, arrogant and uncaring some of the dads are at a local school, shouting at the scholar patrol and teachers and driving recklessly. And lastly to top it all, I witnessed two youths mugging a third youth in broad daylight and on a busy public road this morning! All these things are related, and they all come down to one thing: The quality of the firm, loving training of young boys under the age of 7 years.
So what separates the controlled, considerate, kind, mature, respectful, focussed yet all-boy boys, from the unruly, wild, disobedient, disrespectful, bullying, destructive boys? Where does one draw the line?
The line is drawn on one factor alone: are the parents actively training the boy according to a values-based system that teaches a consideration for others as the underpinning value?
To be more practical.
Almost every little boy, without firm, loving parental training, will engage in these types of activities. These behaviours are in no way excusable due to personality, but are the normal and natural display of untrained boyhood!

Our boys whom we love so dearly, come to us with only one focus in mind: ME, ME, ME! They have no natural self control and virtually no sense of consideration for other people. If you look at the above list, you will see that every one of the behaviours is unkind, inconsiderate, disrespectful, uncontrolled or hurtful to either mom, dad, siblings or friends. And this type of behaviour can be costly and frustrating to mom and dad.
Values-based training involves two things: explaining the correct and considerate behaviour (we sit on our chairs at meals and wait patiently until everyone is finished because we love each other) and stating the consequence (IF YOU stand on your chair or get off, then........). Without a consequence/loss, training has no muscle (talking is not a consequence), and without the explaining, training is not loving.
It is our job to patiently and lovingly yet very firmly train them to

• channel their energies positively (focus)

• control their impulses (self-control and restraint)

• think about other people (consideration)

A huge task that spans the first 7 - 8 years.
A note to dads (and moms should read too!)
The dad factor in training up young boys is very interesting. The role of the dad in developing considerate young men should not be under-estimated. I quote from "Marriage on Trial" by Glen Stanton and Bill Maier (Christian Art Publishers, 2005, page 76).
"If there is no significant male in a young man's life to teach him how to display his masculinity in socially acceptable ways, he will demand that the community recognise his strength and masculinity by engaging in violence, intimidation and tomcatting. This is why gang activity is much higher in communitieswith low concentrations of involved fathers. You don't find well-fathered boys in gangs.
In "Juvenile Homicide in America", Kathleen Heide says: "Boys need (male) role models to define themselves as male. When fathers are absent, young males are more likely to exaggerate their purported masculinity". And forensic psychologist Shawn Johnson notes, "The research is absolutely clear....the one human being most capable of curbing the antisocial aggression of a boy is his biological father.
While fathers help young boys become less violent, they also help children become more compassionate and caring. ...A twenty-six-year-long study found that the number one factor in developing empathy in children was father involvement."
In single-parent families, involvement with loving dads in the extended family and amongst friends will certainly fit the need. In two-parent families, it is vital that dads actively participate in the training/consequencing of their boys, not just leaving it all to mom.

 Back to top

Discipline tips for the under fours
Two simple principles for making one's own life MUCH easier:
Based on the book "On becoming Childwise" by Gary Ezzo and Robert Bucknam.
1. Avoid allowing young children to play with non-toys (remotes, DVD cases, Cds, mom's toiletries including lipstick, mom's purse and contents, buttons on any form of technology, telephones, cellphones, stationery). Non-access and a clear training that these things belong to mom and dad, will largely prevent children from inappropriately using these items when you are not present, which can lead to frustrating disasters! Once the freedom has been given, they will make full use of it and will never understand when it may be appropriate vs inappropriate. And freedoms given can seldom be taken back without a MASSIVE showdown!
2. Insist that young children are trained to ASK before taking or doing something. You will largely avoid unexpected surprises and household disasters that accompany young children in their quest to reach, carry or use things! This may include access to food (you may eat as much fruit as you like, but you have to always ask mom first; you must ask if you want bread, you can only have so many biscuits and that with permission; ask before you consume party-pack food). Likewise when it comes to using scrap paper, cutting out of the cutting-out magazines (not just any magazines), using glue, cutting any paper, painting, using playdough, getting dress-up clothes or shoes, using water in the bathroom, playing musical instruments, getting recycling out, using items from the garage etc. Many of these things involve health and safety aspects, and you need to be overseeing what activities are happening. And with the under fours, many of these items still involve training in how to use them eg "We only use scissors to cut paper" , and you will want to make use of the opportunity to train the correct behaviour.

Back to top

Discipline Tips for the under fours
Teaching patience

Based on the book "On becoming Childwise" by Gary Ezzo and Robert Bucknam.
One thing you can be sure of with all children is that they find it extremely difficult to display patience! Waiting is not what they are about, and whatever they want, they want it right NOW!
Waiting is a very important quality to teach a small child, and the more impatient the child, the more important it is to focus on this lesson. Instant gratification is a great problem in our instant society, and it is easy to grow up expecting everyone else to instantaneously grant my every wish. Unless of course wise parents plan to teach little children to wait!
Helpful answers to demanding children can be:

• Yes you may but only when I have finished drinking my tea.

• Just a minute I will come and look after I have finished .....

• We can do ..... but only after we have had our supper.

• Yes you can have a biscuit, but not if you stamp your feet.

• If you behave in that way because you don't want to wait, then we won't do what you asked at all!

• Go back to your room and come and try and ask again nicely.

• In our family we say "Please " , we don't just say "I want .....".

• I was going to give you..... but because you are screaming at me about it, I will put it in the cupboard and we will try again tomorrow.

Waiting shows self-control, and restaint is an invaluable quality for any child to have acquired!

Back to top

Discipline Tips for the under fours
Begin as you wish to continue

Based on the book "On Becoming Childwise"  by Gary Ezzo and Robert Bucknam.
It is very helpful to bear in mind that one should start off only allowing things that you are prepared to live with for the rest of your child's growing up years! BEGIN AS YOU WISH TO CONTINUE is the tip. Because children never grow out of unacceptable behaviour - they only concrete it in for as long as you allow it to happen! Imagine the same behaviour at 14 and that should give you some motivation to do some training. At 14 it will be louder, longer and more insistent with an added logical brain and years of experience in manipulating parents....!
I recently heard of a 9 year old boy who, when he refused point blank to open his mouth for the dentist, stated to his father that he would only open his mouth if his father bought him a new watch!! The boy had learnt through years of experience that if he just dug in his heels long enough, he could get anything he wanted before obliging his parents. A sobering thought!

Back to top

Discipline tips for the under fours
Redirecting

(Based on principles in the book "On Becoming Childwise" by Gary Ezzo and Robert Bucknam)
Two year olds are notorious for getting stuck on an issue (ANY issue!), and fighting it out with you. Whilst they are in training to learn self control and obedience, and they are rightly to be held accountable for their behaviour, one can't get stuck with them, fighting back and forth on an issue over which you have already decided. Distracting them to avoid the issue is not helpful, but redirecting them past the issue once you have clearly and firm dealt with it is very helpful. Here are some thoughts:
1. Move PAST the issue as if there is no problem at all. Talk as if there is no problem at all - you know that things will go according to what YOU have decided. Be confident about this.
2. Think about whatever is going to happen after the event that they are stuck on, and start chatting about that very calmly and pleasantly.
3. Don't compromise what you decided - keep at it in a low-key way while firmly and pleasantly moving them ahead through discussion.
For sleep and naps, you can suggest:(Child must obviously be trained in and able to cope with whatever you select)
Would you like me to tell you one story on your bed before you go to sleep?
Which story CD would you like to listen to while you lie in your bed before your nap?
Should we put this toy in a special place to remind us to play with it again after your nap?
Which two books would you like to read on your bed before you go to sleep
Would you like a toy to play with on your bed (something safe, quiet and peaceful).
For bathing, say:
Lets see what interesting things we can play with in the bath tonight.
Would you like to choose (only a choice between 2 things) what to play with
Mommy has a clever idea - I'm going to fetch something to play with in the bath. Try unusual things like blowing through straws in the bubble bath, play kitchen toys, containers that have lids, toy brush and comb, plastic dolls). Anything they haven't seen for some time or have never played with in the bath will spark some interest.
For getting dressed after a bath, I have tried:
For Beth, offering a cuddle between each piece of clothing, as she is a Physical Touch Child. (let's put your vest on and then have a cuddle)
For Jason, he could run around mommy once between each piece of clothing.
Having a race with two children - which parent can dress which child the fastest.
Saying you will rub their special lotion on once they are dry.
Talk about the books dad is waiting to read after getting dressed.
For food you can try:
Sitting at a child's table for breakfast and doing puzzles or games together. Shovel the breakfast in as you play!
Some children eat if distracted by a video (temporary solution), but I found mine forgot to eat while watching!
While sitting down to the meal, chat about either what they have done so far that day, or about something you were thinking you can do together after the meal. "I was thinking we can get your (...favourite board game) out after supper and mommy will play with you. Yes but only when you have finished eating.

Back to top

Discipline tips for the under fours
Childish innocence or blatant disobedience

Gary Ezzo in his book "On Becoming Childwise" reminds us to be aware of whether a child's error was out of childish innocence or blatant defiant disobedience. Children who do something wrong such as breaking or spilling something may do so because they had no idea what would happen! They may also have lacked the dexterity or strength to do what they wanted to do. In such cases, you will not implement a consequence. However, learning still needs to take place, because discipline is about training the child to the correct behaviour. In such a case, you will explain clearly what the correct and expected behaviour will be next time (eg come and ask mommy if you want some milk or come and ask daddy to carry something that is too heavy or only throw the ball outside and not in the house). You will do this while involving the child in the clean-up process! As they take responsibility for their mistake, even though it was innocent, they are learning to approach the same situation in another way the next time to avoid the same consequence. You may explain a consequence for if they go ahead and do the same thing another time, because in this case it would be disobedience, as you have clearly explained the expected behaviour (yes they do remember!)
Blatant, defiant disobedience, especially repeated disobedience on the same matter, will be dealt with in a different way by consistently implementing an appropriate and related consequence. Tackle this same issue in a focussed and direct way until you get compliance, regardless of how long it takes! Don't give up or give in!

Back to top

Discipline tips for the under fours
Constructive activity and avoiding bad behaviour
 
One of the first things you learn as a teacher about discipline in the classroom, is that busy children have less time to get up to mischief! The same applies at home. Young children left to their own devices for long periods of time are not only under-stimulated, but they also have a tendency to get into everything they shouldn't.
If a child or children have been playing independently (yet supervised) for some time and things start to get out of hand, it is time to say

• Come lets read some library books in the sun OR

• I think its time to do some puzzles. Go and choose a puzzle for us to do together OR

• Let's play a board game together - you choose and we can sit in the dining room OR

• Come and help me hang up the washing / wash the car/ water the garden OR

• Where is our playdough? Lets play with playdough and use our scissors to cut it into pieces OR

• Bring your blocks lets build a city in the lounge.

Moving into some focussed time with a parent will not only fill up their love tanks, but will direct them in a more constructive way and calm everyone down!

Back to top

Discipline tips for the under fours
Respecting authority

Part of training younger children is teaching them to respect authority figures - which has the added benefit of helping them to respect ALL authority figures including YOU!
Here are some practical situations where you can actively promote the respect of authority figures:

• We don't eat in the library because the library lady/librarian says that eating can make the books dirty, and we want to look after the books so that other people can enjoy them;

• The policeman says that we must keep our arms in the safety belt so that we will be safe if there is an accident;

• The doctor/pharmacist says that only mommies and daddies can give medicine, and that you must have all your medicine every day so that you will get better;

• We are not going to play with these toys because they belong to the man who owns the shop, and we haven't paid for them so they don't belong to us;

• This TV and DVD and the things in this room belong to ....... and not to us, and they are not toys, so you will not play with them because they are not yours (when visiting someone's home);

• Your teacher asked that you do not take toys to school because they may get lost, and because other children will want to play with them and then you will be sad. Mommy is going to take the toys home with her, and you can play with them in the car on the way home;

• The sign says that you cannot jump on the trampoline with your shoes on, so let us take our shoes off, because shoes wear out the trampoline faster. This trampoline belongs to the man who owns this shop/restaurant and we want to look after it so that lots of children can enjoy it.

Interestingly, in the classroom, if the children are responsive to and respectful of the teacher, it goes a long way to making her job easier and the learning time more productive for all the children! Respectful children can make full use of their time in the classroom, as they are not in constant conflict with their teacher.

Back to top